Invitations into the Paradoxes of Aging
by Carol Scott-KassnerLiving the paradox of doing and being is one of our most important invitations as we age. The first half of our lives is driven by the energy of eros—the "doing and producing" energy. We prove ourselves in the world. We create families. We are productive members of society. We create our to-do lists. In fact, our doing helps in significant ways to form our identity. We live in a culture that emphasizes doing. It emphasizes it to the extent that a regular way of establishing ourselves with each other is to ask the question, "What do you do?" or "What have you been doing?"
As we move into the second half of life, the "being" phase of our lives, we are often struck dumb when faced with the question. "What do you do?" We fear that we may be deemed unworthy members of society if we can't answer that question according to some external standard of what are considered valuable acts of "doing". What would people think of us if we answered "nothing"—or "simply being?"
In the second half of life, our energy shifts. We enter the energy of thanatos. This is a quieter energy. It is a moving-inward energy, a reflective energy. It invites us to go deeper into ourselves - to integrate all of who we are—to become whole and to prepare for dying. It is an energy that we have not always allowed ourselves to experience. Certainly we are invited to be present to this sense of being during times of Sabbath, a concept in both the Jewish and Christian traditions, but we rarely give ourselves permission to dedicate entire days to being. As we age, however, our bodies as well as our spirits cooperate with us in saying, "I need to slow down. I need to be quiet. I need to listen deeply and reflect on the meaning of my life. I need to do this to form a new sense of identity."
James Henry, in an article, Maturing with Soul: Elders Giving the Gift of Being, says, "Being is a lot more complicated than doing. Being involves coming into a relationship with that which is invisible, that which we cannot see or touch and cannot fully know." It is a time of senescence or "ripening." As we move into the quiet, we prepare ourselves to give out of the core of our being. In Buddhist philosophy where meditation is a principle practice, they say, "My doing moves out of my being."
The movement out of our sense of being toward doing is often richer than in earlier times of doing. It involves moving into elderhood, a word not even listed in our dictionaries, but a clear, definable stage like childhood, which is widely recognized and honored. William Thomas, in his book, What are Old People For?, defines elderhood "as a way of living beyond adulthood, a way of being in the world that puts receptivity, quality, feelings, relationships and meaningfulness ahead of doing." Elders are more concerned about relationships than things.
As elders, we are good for many things. We can become:
- Teachers of being—helping people to see how to put things together rather than taking them apart.
- Givers of wisdom— drawing from Sophia energy, we give out of our life experiences to help impart insights and common sense. We can become as the elders in some Native American traditions who gather their collective wisdom to advise younger members of the tribe with a vision that reaches into the seventh generation.
- People who relate with quality and feeling— We may elect to have fewer relationships but connect with more depth and intimacy. Elders are more emotionally astute and balanced and accept and express a broader range of feelings than younger people.
- Spiritual Guides—Elders have an expanded consciousness of the connectedness of everything and exploring interrelationships. We can become guides helping others to gain these understandings, so important in a world that seems increasingly polarized.
- Peacemakers—Our awareness as elders of the mystery of life; our openness to paradox and appreciation of multiple perspectives puts us in a wonderful place to become peacemakers—within ourselves, with our families and friends, and with the world.
- Quality workers—If we are among those fortunate to no longer have to work for a living, our work can take on new meaning. We can work in ways that serve the communities of which we are a part. We can use our hands and our imaginations to create beauty.
- Librarians of Stories and Legacies—We can use our stories to uncover lost parts of ourselves, to discover hidden wellsprings of healing. We can use our stories to reveal the deepest parts of ourselves and build bridges.
This season of entering the dark fully and celebrating the return of the light is a wonderful time for each of us to enter the paradox of doing and being and to discover where we are on that spectrum. It is a time to notice how much of our doing is externally motivated and how much comes from the interior of our being. May each of you find time for quiet and reflection in the midst of the busyness and celebration.
Henry, James D. Maturing with Soul: Elders Giving the Gift of "Being".
Thomas, William H. What are Old People For? Acton, Mass: VanderWyk & Burnham, 2004.
Carol Scott-Kassner, MATS, Ph.D. is co-founder, with Pat Lewis, of Aging with Wisdom©. She has dedicated this time of her life to working with the spirituality of aging and as a spiritual director. Carol is a certified spiritual eldering trainer and a commissioned minister of the United Church of Christ.
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